Yes. I know it seems obvious, but trust me when I tell you it isn’t. Having been an alpaca farmer for near to three years now, one of our favorite things to do is bring our beasts to various events around the community to share them with others.

We have been a part of school field trips, craft fairs, Santa’s workshops, Farm Days, Turn Back Time Days and Feed the Poor Days. We load the beasts in the trailer, stock the buckets with food (for the inevitable request to hand feed), hay and a willing teenager or two to help run the booth. We often sell our wares as well.

Along the way, we have been in many areas and been asked many, many things about the lives of alpacas and llamas. Very few people know the difference and often approach the pen asking to pet the llama. The alpacas scoff at this and often will then refuse kisses.

Some of the things folks want to know:  Where do the animals come from? Peru. Do they spit? Yes, but only if provoked unlike a llama who will do it in defense of himself. An alpaca will also spit at his fellow alpacas if food is involved and he/she feels they are not getting as much. How long do they live? 20-25 years. How often do you shear them? Once a year in May. How much do they cost? Depends – anywhere from $500 for a pet male to $100,000 for a high fiber producing female or an amazing stud. Do you have a stud? Yes, but he’s gay. That always makes them stop.

It’s true. I have a gay alpaca. His name is Gunsmoke. He’s spectacular in all ways. Crimpy, thick fleece, loving personality – kisses are his favorite thing to share- dumb as a post often found wearing a bucket over his head in his never-ending quest to get the last morsel of food. Unfortunately, he’s afraid of girls. At first we thought he just feared performing, what with all the orgling necessary and the racket that often ensues around the pen (google male alpaca orgling to get the full effect), the roses, the wine – oh, who am I kidding -he’s a big fat chicken terrified of a fleecy girl – really? I paid good money for a stud – okay, I would have bought him anyway because I loved him – but really, afraid of a girl? Yes.  It’s true. He’s been out on three different dates now – with three different women in case we weren’t 100% up on his preference for fawns, blacks or greys. Don’t judge, that’s what they are called!

Turns out that what he is lacking is a male drive to mount. Sometimes he’ll hop on happy as a clam, but the second she shows anything other than submission he’s outta there. Worse, she refuses to come near him -often turning up her nose as though her gadar is in full blown howling mode. Sometimes, the female will go so far as to go to the fence line and call to another male. OH, the shame…

Finally, we sat down and had the talk. Yes, mom, he confessed, I do love to wear my bucket and my emo style hairdo, and although I’m not unhappy, the girls make me want to sit in the corner of my pen and not eat for days. I think I would even give up hay. This was a dire situation. I assured him that I would not make him visit anymore girls until he was ready. I promised a year of aging into his skin before asking him to mount the horse – I mean alpaca – again. His year is nearly up.

Which brings me to the title of this post. My favorite question of all time asked by a man who appeared intelligent and interested in the beasts. “How big are their eggs?” he asked. “Eggs?” I questioned. “Yea, you know, the ones they lay.”

After I finished giggling I explained that alpacas don’t lay eggs and in Gunsmoke’s case they don’t lay anything – not eggs, not down and certainly not a – gasp – girl!

Not to worry. Spring is coming, and we will try again. If we are met with the same results, we will accept our lovable boy for who he is, and promise to never ask him to go out on another date- at least not with a girl – again.