Hard to fathom that it’s been a half century since I was first delivered to this planet courtesy of my mom and dad and a higher power who believed I had something to offer the world. I tried this morning to remember what I’ve seen and learned and now know or wish I didn’t. The list is very, very long.

In a half century, I have fallen in love with the opposite sex four times – five if you count Mike Rowe, but who can. Once I fell so completely head over heels that I nearly lost myself when I sent him away. Actually, if I’m being honest, it took sending him away to know he belonged. Happily,  he came back and we’ve been happily married a very, very long time (according to my kids) and life is good again. I’ve also fallen in love with the way it smells after it rains, baby’s skin, lavender, roses, the smell of a warm breeze on a summer day, creating beautiful art through words and pictures and chocolate chip cookies. That list is so pitifully short, I’d like to cry, but you understand that if I wrote everything I’ve loved here I’d never finish writing.

In fifty years, I have learned to believe in myself, trust my gut instincts and follow certain people to the other side of the earth while leaving others to find their own way. I’ve also learned to let go of the  loved ones I’ve had to bury, of fear (okay, still working on this), toxic relationships, negativity and a poor self image. I’ve learned to accept myself for who I am. I now believe – all these years later – that no matter where I am, I am right where I belong.

I have learned that you can survive pain you once believed would kill you, that you can eat liver and live and that snakes   – although my biggest fear – are really just slithery yukky things that may or may not live in my barn. Admittedly, that thought makes me shudder. I’ve also learned that children grow too quickly, life is short, I love people, and cats and dogs and llamas and the feel of the sun on my face in April. I know now what unconditional love looks and feels like, that trust takes serious guts and that a quiet evening with a roaring fire, good food and those you love around you is better than most anything on earth – especially if made with the bones soup is on the menu.

I now know that you truly can have or be or do anything you want in this life – my farm is proof as are my husband, my children, my house and my job. There was a time in life that I believed I would never have any of the things listed above; particularly children. In my lifetime – among those lost – were children. At least they were children to me even though they never actually took  a breath in this realm, they lived inside of me – kicked me and allowed me to dream. After the third pregnancy lost, I was sure I would never hold my very own baby, but then I was blessed with Adam and Erik and Ian and Abby and so many other children that have surrounded me here in this life. Courtesy of said children, I have fallen in love again and again, learned what it’s like to have your heart walk outside your body, learned to understand the word pride in a whole new way, watched gobs and gobs of sports – some bad, some good, some awful, some great – and become a rabid football fan. I’ve learned what being bone tired truly means, and would do it again and again if it meant their safety or happiness. I’ve learned the power of love and how closely that emotion is connected to hate,  and I have acquired a taste for wine, coffee and chocolate. As they’ve aged, I’ve truly learned the meaning of the phrase letting go.

Through my babies, I learned about parts of myself I didn’t know I had. I tested myself and them and I became someone new with each birth. Not even I would have believed I would one day teach children, mentor Scouts, sleep on the top of a mountain, switch religions or hold stranger’s babies for fun. At 10 I told my mother in no uncertain terms that I would NEVER have children. In the years when I believed that had come to pass, I cursed myself.

The biggest lesson I have learned in half a century can be summed up in a simple phrase, “This too, shall pass.” It always does. That doesn’t meant the pain didn’t become part of me, and it doesn’t mean that life is always roses and sunshine. It does mean that as Pooh Bear says, “You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” I know that to be true now, and I revel in the joy that age and dare I say wisdom, has brought me. I’ve learned to accept my flaws – not always without complaint – and to look at people as soul’s first; bodies be damned! I’ve learned the power of touch, a good massage and visiting with those in their final days.

In the next fifty years, I believe there are many more mountains to climb, trails to hike and things to endure, but I know with God, good friends, family and love anything is possible. And if, in the next 50, God calls me home – I will go with an open heart and a willing mind to see what the next world has to offer knowing how blessed I have been. That having been said, I look forward to writing on this space 50 years from now about what it feels like to be an entire century old with brain and body intact and functioning.